I took my philosophy out of the page because i got illuminated recently and i'm changing the whoile base
I did it. No one will respond anymore. No one cares. I think my incessant stupidity and "suicidalness" have pushed anyone and everyone away from me. And I feel sad right now, but truth is, BOO FUCKING HOO. What a manchild I am.
I mean, maybe this is just another crisis, but I don't know if it will be. I just think about doing anything and I don't want to do it. I think I wanna run away and do things, but, where? I don't have anywhere to go, and it's not like outside will have something for me, specially with no money and no way of motivating myself. Maybe playing and saying "I don't give a fuck about what I have to do"? That will just get everyone around me mad. Maybe go to a friends house? They're busy. Maybe going out to eat? No money. Maybe going far away? No money. Just lie in my bed? That will make me think more about this. Doomscrolling? Pointless. Find a new hobby? With what motivation? Get friends? To lose them again?
i think I faced nothingness.
Yesterday, I talked a lot with my mom, and one of the things I realized was the fact that... Maybe my self hate comes from the fact that I had a million dreams, and all of them failed in some way. Is that clouding my ability to see my own good things? The fact that I betrayed myself? Is that it? Maybe.
Today Nagisa asked me "When are you going to change?". That left me without words. And I still can't answer.
I'll be posting my reviews of albums that my friends recommended to me.
Finally!! New fragment. Sorry for the wait.
UGGH I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. It's 20:30 PM and I'm not even started on the fragment. I will work on it now, I promise. I guess I have just been slacking and studying. I have been writing so much, and yet so little on important things. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE IT ALL I AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. I have some things I will release right now, so this is not just a plain update. Full fragment later onight or tomorrow, maybe.
My hate crash: I think, therefore I am. I think therefore I am. I think therefore I am. I know I heard that phrase somewhere, from a horror story, then used as just another copypasta on comments. The original phrase comes from Descartes. But the machine continues with something else. Since I can't do, I was stripped of my capacity to live or love. And so, I hate. I hate. I think therefore I am, then I hate.
I've talked before about how much I love everyone and want to see everyone succeed. But next to that sense, there is one little monster that has been with me all my life. An incontrollable feeling of hate, pouring over anything I do.
Maybe it comes from my childhood, some repressed memory? Maybe it comes from pure spite for the world? Maybe it appeared when I started to realize everything on our reality is forced? I don't know for sure, but I know it is.
I think therefore I am, so I hate. I hate every second of my existence, in both senses of the sentence. I hate everything that goes out of my mold, and the more pronounced is the difference, the more hate I feel. I hate my life, my friends, my family, my school, the streets I go on, the air I breath, the sun in the sky, and the shotgun about to see how someone blows their head with them.
It seems so strange to me. I normally think I love, and I try to help everybody around me, and I try to make everyone happy. But maybe I'm just trying to make them fit into my reality, because the opposite would have made me hate them.
I think, therefore I am, so I hate. Just ten minutes ago I had a fit of rage in the group chat, because I was trying to make an award ceremony for me and my friends, and I was trying to get everyone to get at least one prize. Since I chose the nominees, I could use that in my favor.
Big mistake. Everyone in the group started bitching about the whole thing, thinking I had rigged the votes and put people where they shouldn't be and left people out. And the people that KNEW of my plans, or at least part of them, but enough to speak up, stayed silent.
I feel betrayed right now. These are supposed to be my friends? It's like, the glass cracks, and the photo isn't the same until you change the crystal, but that takes time. But right now, the fact that one thing broke, makes my head go crazy, just thinking more and more about all the things I hate in everyone.
I think therefore I am. But I don't hate anything in Catherine. Maybe she's the only one. Or maybe, I just haven't let the glass crack.
I think, therefore I am, so I hate. The only constant in the darkest parts of my mind. Good morning. I'm going to sleep.
Why am I this irrational? Such a fucking child.
I had this crash long ago, but I wanna reflect on it a bit. All of the things I said are still true, but the whole thing wih my friends is solved. Stil, I have talked with my psychologist about this, and I'm working on it. Is this hate rooted in blame? Or a desire for perfection? I don't know, maybe this was just a fit of rage after all.
I've been so busy. I've wanted to kill myself. Anyway, i updated the bingo. New entry and new fragment dropping next saturday.
fragment 4 dropped. been busy. more things on the way.
So, who am I? Who am I...? Uhm, I should start with my name. Hi, my name is Alex. I'm a Venezuelan in Spain, and I want to study Game Development. I'm also a libertarian (I love politics, yes, I know, it's silly), and a music lover. I love philosophy and I'm trying to develop my own. I would say that I am the worst person that has ever lived, but my friends would call me intelligent, silly and a bit tad annoying, apart from creative, and probably depressed.
I think that tells you enough about me, I guess.