fragment 4 dropped. been busy. more things on the way.
Okay, so today I need to do like a thousand things. Yet, I saw a video of "how to lose the person you love." And it fucking broke me. You'll see.
It's so damn frustrating. I love everyone so much, and yet I'm doing everything to lose them. I think I should just isolate myself further so no one suffers as I lose my connection to the outside world. I'll post tomorrow about the poetry and essay I made for my high school's literature contest.
Natalie, from Madrid, writes:
"Alex, I am completely amazed by your writings. I have felt very connected to your reflections—I’ve laughed, I’ve seen myself in your sadness, and I’ve reflected a lot. There’s nothing more incredible than finding something genuine, something real, and what you have here is truly real. Reality is certainly complicated; it’s not easy to expose yourself in a vulnerable way while also expressing the very contradictions of life itself—being both funny and complex. You’ve found a balance and a unique voice that I find wonderful (I really don’t say this to many people haha). Please don’t stop writing—I’ll read a little each week with the time I have left. I also followed you on Instagram because I saw the link somewhere. A big hug."
Ok, this is thankfully making me feel better. THANK YOU SO MUCH! I was so worried you were like, annoyed about the whole "Oh, I'm going to speak about my page instead of the party meeting we were on" (even though you asked me for it), and I was also super worried of the writing, and all the vulnerable stuff. It's nice to get messages like these, thank you so much, I really appreciate it.
Okay, so I basically spent the day today with my political party. YES, I JOINED A POLITICAL PARTY. WHAT ABOUT IT?!
I really liked it, it was refreshing after a yesterday of setbacks and bad stuff happening. I'm going to get up on the train back home and I'm probably updating my philosophy in some things.
I'm putting here my conversation through notes with Violet in technology. She first made one like in the chicken yesterday but with cinammon. I was feeling super down.
Alex: "Violet, help, I have been thinking about suicide for ten minutes straight"
Violet: "NO NO NO NO NO" and she drew a rabbi
Alex: "It's a rabbi!"
Violet: "HaHaHa"
Alex: "I don't know. Suddenly my mind started to divagate over how to cut my veins open without you all noticing."
Violet: "What's the motive for that?"
Alex: "I don't even know anymore."
Violet: "Do you think it could be a mix of stress and sadness?"
Alex: "Most probably, it's that, plus a huge impotence. I feel incapable of change."
Violet: "Mhm... what do you want to change about yourself?"
Alex: "Everything. Will you miss me?"
Violet: "If at any moment you think about ending your life, I will try to convince you not to do it, but as your friend, if you do it one day, I will respect your decision even if i miss you a lot."
Alex: "I'm feeling this horrible sensation of my brain being pressed between two tables, a pain on the side of my head, an itch at the side of my nose, and a burning in my ears, as well as suicidal thoughts."
Violet: "And what can I do about that?"
Alex: "I don't know. You're the first person that knows I feel something physical while I think about those things."
Violet: "Well, know that if you need someone to speak to, I'm here. And if you don't want to talk, we could be sitting in silence giving each other company. :)"
Alex: "Do you think I should get preoccupied about my sadness being physical?"
Violet: "It's possible, you should get worried about any discomfort you feel, even if small."
Alex: "You think I should go to the doctor?"
Violet: "I think yes, especially to the psychologist. As you're a person that wants to make people laugh and make them feel good, you forget about yourself. I believe you should center into your personal development."
Alex: "I'm starting to get more and more worried. The bad dreams, the spasms, the intrusive thoughts, the anger and sadness attacks, the hits to me and to things, the tremble in my hands, the things I forget, and my sadness are increasing."
Violet: "When you feel like that, what's what gets you relaxed? Music? Videogames? Speaking with someone?"
Alex: "When I let some time pass by and forget it. Music is actually taking my concentration away."
Violet: "Mhm... Someday we have to try and meditate. This summer, if you're free, we can meet all the time you want, even have Cirus, you and me make dinner for the three of us. But right now, you have to get force to study. :)"
Alex: "I don't know. I have the desire of laying down with someone and just cuddle with that person in silence. I used to do it with my grandma and my mom when I was a child, but I've never done it again. Maybe it's that why I always imagine doing it with a woman in that position, but I don't know. Sorry for saying this, it's not like I want it to be you, it's just a thought that came to my head. I think nothing could do me better than that. In that situation, the last thing I would want would be suiciding."
Violet: "Don't worry about saying these things to me. Maybe I can do that, but not cuddling (because I'm Dante's girlfriend) just laying down."
Alex: "I know, I know, that's why I didn't want to say anything."
I also found today a great Marcus Aurelius (supposedly) quote I wanna save for anytime Wheatley debates me about God: "Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they won't care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but are unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones."
So, who am I? Who am I...? Uhm, I should start with my name. Hi, my name is Alex. I'm a Venezuelan in Spain, and I want to study Game Development. I'm also a libertarian (I love politics, yes, I know, it's silly), and a music lover. I love philosophy and I'm trying to develop my own. I would say that I am the worst person that has ever lived, but my friends would call me intelligent, silly and a bit tad annoying, apart from creative, and probably depressed.
I think that tells you enough about me, I guess.