Journal Archive

So... A lot has happened. The exams have gone... horrible, and I will probably won't go to college. I haven't decided yet. I am not joking by the way. I've never had, but I just say things sometimes and never do, so it's obvious. I don't know what to do. I just don't know how to cope, how to deal with my own stupidity, my own failure. I've failed everybody. I always do, I always do, I always fail everybody. I'm kinda used to it, in fact, but it still hurts. I don't know how to let out everything. And I guess that's why I lust, why I feel the need to kill myself. It's just too much to deal with. I'll make a new entry later

A month without updates, huh?
Well, I've been busy, like always. In reality, I've been slacking a lot. I'm going to TRY to write an entry tonight.

Okay, my suicidal thoughts have gone away. One last thing about the blackout, isn't it coincidental that the president's brother was accused of corruption the same morning of the blackout? I think it was too coincidental, that the blackout may be an inside job to "obscure" the president's brother case.

Today seemed like a normal day. I mean, to me it feels like the perfect moment to continue with my diary, after all, I don’t feel like studying history right now.

I woke up feeling awful, depressed, while my dad was singing “Lava Chicken” from the Minecraft movie. I felt frustrated, annoyed at the world for some reason. I went to school, like always, but I was unfocused all day, depressed. I talked to Violet about it, and I think I only ended up making her feel bad, and on the other hand, Nagisa seemed upset with GlaDOS, and he called me an asshole all day. Me, as usual, stuck with my suicidal thoughts and all that, but whatever. Not much of interest happened until fourth period.

It was just before fifth period started. Suddenly, the school's power went out. We're somewhat used to that since there are idiots who stick metal objects into the outlets to shut down the school. But this was different.

In fifth period we saw two things, linguistic varieties and inclusive language. Congratulations to the teacher for tackling such a controversial topic and staying neutral without giving political opinions.

Anyway, in sixth period they handed out our Physics grades. I failed again, after having passed the last one. And that’s when I definitely decided I wanted to kill myself. But then the principal came in and told us the school was closing for the day and we could go home. People were surprised because we thought it was just us, but I was apathetic, until she said the blackout could last up to 48 hours. Suddenly, I felt like I was back in the pandemic, and I had a bad feeling that this would drag on. A cyberattack? How could that be? Even though I'm a libertarian and don't trust governments, what could they have done? Take down a website? Infiltrate? In a government? Nothing made sense.

She told us to leave, and as the good school lovers we are, we left immediately. When we got out, my original plan was to go to Violet’s house, for two main reasons. First, I didn’t have keys and couldn’t communicate with my dad because communications were down. Second, if I went home, I thought I'd end up jumping, because of the Physics grade. Then, Nagisa suggested we go to our little siblings’ school down the street, and I decided to go with him to pick them up and stay together.

Walking down the street, Nagisa and I started joking around about the situation. It's kind of natural for us, and it helps keep the nerves in check. Stuff like World War III, being drafted, atomic bombs, those kinds of things. When we got to the school, the man at the entrance explained the situation again and told us not to worry, the kids were in the cafeteria. We turned around to head back, and I ran into the mother of my sister’s cousin, who told me my dad was looking for me. So I told Nagisa, and we went back up. Nagisa said goodbye to me at the bus stop and I managed to get back home.

My dad was waiting for me, along with my sister. I gave him a quick rundown of what had happened and we looked for news on the radio, which was the only thing still working. Then he sent me around the neighborhood to look for bread at the Chinese shops.

I went around to five Chinese shops and one bakery, and there was no bread. It had vanished, disappeared. I saw how potato chips, candy, and pizzas were being left aside in favor of cans, batteries, all kinds of bread, and to a lesser extent, candles and beers, which I found curious, that sudden shift in priorities. When I entered the bakery, a lady was complaining about the society we’re building. My libertarian side came out, but I didn’t say much. I told the baker that "it sold like hotcakes, no pun intended," and bought some cans of fabada and stew. Then I went back home and started writing this, but I stopped and went to sleep for a while, since if the power comes back, I have a history exam.

It’s 11:14 PM on April 28th as I’m writing this. I still feel like jumping, but oh well. I grabbed my radio watch and started listening to what they were saying, including Pedrito’s statement. I’m still really scared, especially after the data they shared. 15GW of power lost in 5 seconds... I speak from suspicion, but it’s way too much to be just an accident, and if it is, the level of incompetence we have is unbelievable. The military is out in the streets, and I’m writing by candlelight. All this only brings back memories of Venezuela.

Damned be the state

Small reflection on the blackout.

This blackout shows us just how absolutely weak and incompetent the Spanish government is. The mere fact that this could happen is unthinkable, but the fact that it actually did happen is something in itself. It makes no sense, and the lack of information only makes things worse. If Spain were a Latin American country, the population would have gone crazy due to the insecurity that would flood the streets—in that regard, our people can consider themselves lucky.

From this super blackout we can learn two lessons. First, if the rumors about a cyberattack are true, we must recognize how absolutely crucial cybersecurity has become. Suing companies like Cloudflare should be left in the past; after all, it's companies like those that defend us against these situations. I doubt anyone will question their usefulness or side with those who see them as a threat again. In fact, it's likely that cybersecurity will expand or that a separate cybersecurity section under the wing of the CNI will be created.

On the other hand, despite the government's assurances that their response will be appropriate, I feel a sense of déjà vu. I think the response will be inadequate and that, even so, there will be no consequences or backlash. This is why I advocate for privatizations and for private control of companies. If electric companies weren’t so tightly tied to the state (practically forming a lobby), they would compete freely and, therefore, have much better security. Also, prices would drop (since companies would seek the most efficient way to produce energy), and service quality would improve.

We assume that the state seeks what's best for us, but nothing could be further from the truth. As students know, bad teachers keep getting paid even if we do poorly—why would subsidized electric companies be any different? They have no incentive to provide the best service, and that only changes by liberalizing the market.

I took my philosophy out of the page because i got illuminated recently and i'm changing the whole base

I did it. No one will respond anymore. No one cares. I think my incessant stupidity and "suicidalness" have pushed anyone and everyone away from me. And I feel sad right now, but truth is, BOO FUCKING HOO. What a manchild I am.
I mean, maybe this is just another crisis, but I don't know if it will be. I just think about doing anything and I don't want to do it. I think I wanna run away and do things, but, where? I don't have anywhere to go, and it's not like outside will have something for me, specially with no money and no way of motivating myself. Maybe playing and saying "I don't give a fuck about what I have to do"? That will just get everyone around me mad. Maybe go to a friends house? They're busy. Maybe going out to eat? No money. Maybe going far away? No money. Just lie in my bed? That will make me think more about this. Doomscrolling? Pointless. Find a new hobby? With what motivation? Get friends? To lose them again?
i think I faced nothingness.

Yesterday, I talked a lot with my mom, and one of the things I realized was the fact that... Maybe my self hate comes from the fact that I had a million dreams, and all of them failed in some way. Is that clouding my ability to see my own good things? The fact that I betrayed myself? Is that it? Maybe.

Today Nagisa asked me "When are you going to change?". That left me without words. And I still can't answer.

I'll be posting my reviews of albums that my friends recommended to me.

Finally!! New fragment. Sorry for the wait.

UGGH I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. It's 20:30 PM and I'm not even started on the fragment. I will work on it now, I promise. I guess I have just been slacking and studying. I have been writing so much, and yet so little on important things. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE IT ALL I AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. I have some things I will release right now, so this is not just a plain update. Full fragment later onight or tomorrow, maybe.

My hate crash: I think, therefore I am. I think therefore I am. I think therefore I am. I know I heard that phrase somewhere, from a horror story, then used as just another copypasta on comments. The original phrase comes from Descartes. But the machine continues with something else. Since I can't do, I was stripped of my capacity to live or love. And so, I hate. I hate. I think therefore I am, then I hate.
I've talked before about how much I love everyone and want to see everyone succeed. But next to that sense, there is one little monster that has been with me all my life. An incontrollable feeling of hate, pouring over anything I do.
Maybe it comes from my childhood, some repressed memory? Maybe it comes from pure spite for the world? Maybe it appeared when I started to realize everything on our reality is forced? I don't know for sure, but I know it is.
I think therefore I am, so I hate. I hate every second of my existence, in both senses of the sentence. I hate everything that goes out of my mold, and the more pronounced is the difference, the more hate I feel. I hate my life, my friends, my family, my school, the streets I go on, the air I breath, the sun in the sky, and the shotgun about to see how someone blows their head with them.
It seems so strange to me. I normally think I love, and I try to help everybody around me, and I try to make everyone happy. But maybe I'm just trying to make them fit into my reality, because the opposite would have made me hate them.
I think, therefore I am, so I hate. Just ten minutes ago I had a fit of rage in the group chat, because I was trying to make an award ceremony for me and my friends, and I was trying to get everyone to get at least one prize. Since I chose the nominees, I could use that in my favor.
Big mistake. Everyone in the group started bitching about the whole thing, thinking I had rigged the votes and put people where they shouldn't be and left people out. And the people that KNEW of my plans, or at least part of them, but enough to speak up, stayed silent.
I feel betrayed right now. These are supposed to be my friends? It's like, the glass cracks, and the photo isn't the same until you change the crystal, but that takes time. But right now, the fact that one thing broke, makes my head go crazy, just thinking more and more about all the things I hate in everyone.
I think therefore I am. But I don't hate anything in Catherine. Maybe she's the only one. Or maybe, I just haven't let the glass crack.
I think, therefore I am, so I hate. The only constant in the darkest parts of my mind. Good morning. I'm going to sleep.
Why am I this irrational? Such a fucking child.

I had this crash long ago, but I wanna reflect on it a bit. All of the things I said are still true, but the whole thing wih my friends is solved. Stil, I have talked with my psychologist about this, and I'm working on it. Is this hate rooted in blame? Or a desire for perfection? I don't know, maybe this was just a fit of rage after all.

I've been so busy. I've wanted to kill myself. Anyway, i updated the bingo. New entry and new fragment dropping next saturday.

fragment 4 dropped. been busy. more things on the way.

Okay, so today I need to do like a thousand things. Yet, I saw a video of "how to lose the person you love." And it fucking broke me. You'll see.

• "Don't trust them when they're away." I mean, I don't make the people I love tell me where they are at every waking moment. I don't trust them with my web browser history though.
• "Spend more time thinking about your relationship instead of focusing in the real problems of your life." …yeah. Shit. It got me.
• "Tell them everything they're doing wrong." Okay, I don't do it with many people, and just with things like, English or something.
• "Don't take care of yourself. Focus on anything but hygiene and work." …fuck. Okay, I'm not so bad… I literally get told when to shower of course I'm down bad holy shit.
• "Make every situation dramatic for no reason and traumatize yourself in the midst of it." I do this… mostly for comedic effect, but sometimes, I'm actually having a breakdown, because of my overthinking.
• "Tell them you love them without showing it." Fuck… I'm the worst at showing love. I mean, I literally forget about loving myself, how can I remember loving you through actions? I'm horrible for that…
• "Don't value their time for themselves." I do that a lot, huh? I actually do that. I'm so disappointed I'm failing most of these. I normally interrupt it, and try to take the comfort they bring for myself while wasting their time.
• "Be available all of the time. Make sure you are constantly putting yourself next to them." I do this so much. I literally stop talking with my friends just to text Catherine, and I'm like "SHE TEXTED! SHE TEXTED!". God, I'm so pathetic.
• "Cry all of the time." Not literally crying, but definitely just whining.
• "Make everything not fun anymore." With how much I burn things until they're not fun anymore, I think I do this.
• "Hate yourself, if you do this, the rest of the advice will come naturally." I don't hate myself. I loathe myself. If I was given the chance to erase someone completely from history, I would erase myself. If I was given the chance to put someone to be tortured in hell for all of eternity, it would be myself.

It's so damn frustrating. I love everyone so much, and yet I'm doing everything to lose them. I think I should just isolate myself further so no one suffers as I lose my connection to the outside world. I'll post tomorrow about the poetry and essay I made for my high school's literature contest.

Answering people.

Natalie, from Madrid, writes:

"Alex, I am completely amazed by your writings. I have felt very connected to your reflections—I’ve laughed, I’ve seen myself in your sadness, and I’ve reflected a lot. There’s nothing more incredible than finding something genuine, something real, and what you have here is truly real. Reality is certainly complicated; it’s not easy to expose yourself in a vulnerable way while also expressing the very contradictions of life itself—being both funny and complex. You’ve found a balance and a unique voice that I find wonderful (I really don’t say this to many people haha). Please don’t stop writing—I’ll read a little each week with the time I have left. I also followed you on Instagram because I saw the link somewhere. A big hug."

Ok, this is thankfully making me feel better. THANK YOU SO MUCH! I was so worried you were like, annoyed about the whole "Oh, I'm going to speak about my page instead of the party meeting we were on" (even though you asked me for it), and I was also super worried of the writing, and all the vulnerable stuff. It's nice to get messages like these, thank you so much, I really appreciate it.

Okay, so I basically spent the day today with my political party. YES, I JOINED A POLITICAL PARTY. WHAT ABOUT IT?!

I really liked it, it was refreshing after a yesterday of setbacks and bad stuff happening. I'm going to get up on the train back home and I'm probably updating my philosophy in some things.

I'm putting here my conversation through notes with Violet in technology. She first made one like in the chicken yesterday but with cinammon. I was feeling super down.

Alex: "Violet, help, I have been thinking about suicide for ten minutes straight"

Violet: "NO NO NO NO NO" and she drew a rabbi

Alex: "It's a rabbi!"

Violet: "HaHaHa"

Alex: "I don't know. Suddenly my mind started to divagate over how to cut my veins open without you all noticing."

Violet: "What's the motive for that?"

Alex: "I don't even know anymore."

Violet: "Do you think it could be a mix of stress and sadness?"

Alex: "Most probably, it's that, plus a huge impotence. I feel incapable of change."

Violet: "Mhm... what do you want to change about yourself?"

Alex: "Everything. Will you miss me?"

Violet: "If at any moment you think about ending your life, I will try to convince you not to do it, but as your friend, if you do it one day, I will respect your decision even if i miss you a lot."

Alex: "I'm feeling this horrible sensation of my brain being pressed between two tables, a pain on the side of my head, an itch at the side of my nose, and a burning in my ears, as well as suicidal thoughts."

Violet: "And what can I do about that?"

Alex: "I don't know. You're the first person that knows I feel something physical while I think about those things."

Violet: "Well, know that if you need someone to speak to, I'm here. And if you don't want to talk, we could be sitting in silence giving each other company. :)"

Alex: "Do you think I should get preoccupied about my sadness being physical?"

Violet: "It's possible, you should get worried about any discomfort you feel, even if small."

Alex: "You think I should go to the doctor?"

Violet: "I think yes, especially to the psychologist. As you're a person that wants to make people laugh and make them feel good, you forget about yourself. I believe you should center into your personal development."

Alex: "I'm starting to get more and more worried. The bad dreams, the spasms, the intrusive thoughts, the anger and sadness attacks, the hits to me and to things, the tremble in my hands, the things I forget, and my sadness are increasing."

Violet: "When you feel like that, what's what gets you relaxed? Music? Videogames? Speaking with someone?"

Alex: "When I let some time pass by and forget it. Music is actually taking my concentration away."

Violet: "Mhm... Someday we have to try and meditate. This summer, if you're free, we can meet all the time you want, even have Cirus, you and me make dinner for the three of us. But right now, you have to get force to study. :)"

Alex: "I don't know. I have the desire of laying down with someone and just cuddle with that person in silence. I used to do it with my grandma and my mom when I was a child, but I've never done it again. Maybe it's that why I always imagine doing it with a woman in that position, but I don't know. Sorry for saying this, it's not like I want it to be you, it's just a thought that came to my head. I think nothing could do me better than that. In that situation, the last thing I would want would be suiciding."

Violet: "Don't worry about saying these things to me. Maybe I can do that, but not cuddling (because I'm Dante's girlfriend) just laying down."

Alex: "I know, I know, that's why I didn't want to say anything."

I also found today a great Marcus Aurelius (supposedly) quote I wanna save for anytime Wheatley debates me about God: "Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they won't care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but are unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones."

I'm working on an essay, studying for the exams, and making the fourth fragment for the neon purgatory. Anyway, I'm giving you some highlights from my technology class. While we were studying fucking beams, we were having a blast.

Our technology teacher saw some of us studying history and she said: "Still studying history? You're only interested in kings and emperors? Here, let me draw a crown on top of this beam so you pay attention" and proceeded to draw the fucking crown LOL.

After a while, Violet, who sits next to me, started passing me a note.

Then I updated it and added the caption: "Levitating." Next, I added this:

I then started writing it like a fucking physics excercise: "Calculate the distance 'd' knowing that your straight back belongs to π: x + z = 45000 and that the bed belongs to π': x + y = 6.67 × 10⁻¹¹."

She added: "And your head has the aphelion of Pluto and the perigee of the Earth, calculate the density of the Sun."

I then added: "Data: Mass of the Sun: 15 g. Elastic constant k = 28 m³. Initial phase 3π². Alex's favorite color: HTML #0337E2. Dante’s size = 48 cm. Today's temperature: 11º, mostly sunny. Capital of Spain = Teruel. Culprit: Torrente."

She added: "Knowing this, calculate your schizophrenia."

Then I added in the back.

Then Cirus gave us a paper, and Violet made this drawing that says "Chicken, chicken for the creole" (it rhymes in spanish)

With a corner of the paper, I wrote "black" (inside joke, and tried to put it in his backpack without him noticing,failing miserably. He sent back the corner with "Argelina le gusta la paca la paca,", which I don't even know what it means, and then, sent me a post it note with this angel-axolotl-pig monstrosity. Admire

Okay so I just published the third fragment. I spent a lot of time on it because I got stuck, but I managed to write it yesterday. I've been inspiring a lot on Atun-Shei Films for Joey, since, well, Joey reminds me of the Johnny Reb arc in Checkmate Linconites! (go check it the fuck out). Also, Luke seems a bit more explosive than he actually is, but that was kind of the point, he got hit in the wound.

I also updated some important things in my philosophy part of the page. I've been dealing a lot with that, just out of fun (and spite for the catholic church)

This week I won't be as active because EXAM WEEK BABY!!!

Answering people.

Po, from China, writes:

"Hello Alejo,
I am Po, the Kung Fu Panda and the dragon warrior. I am writing you to tell you that I love food. This is very important information, keep it safe.
Goodbye."

Yes, master. I will keep this information safe, as a fellow food lover. Also, send me Tigress' IG when you can ;) LOL (I know it's you GlaDOS)

Cirus, from Middle Earth, asks:

"Hey, Alex, I really wanted to read your diary but the entry of the 14th is missing (not want to put pressure on you)"

Uhm, Cirus? There's no entry Tooth Fairy, there is no Santa Claus, there is no Queen of England, and there is no entry of the 14th. There is no war in Ba Sing Tse.

13th of February of 2025

Okay, so, I've been working on a lot of things. I wanna publish two things by tomorrow, apart from doing an update to my philosophy page. Anyway, to make you not miss me, and my silly updates, here are the two quotes from my teachers I found funny these last two days. They're different conversations

History Teacher: ...the Caroline Islands, named for Charles V, the Marianne Islands, named for one of his sisters, and the Palaos, named for I don't know who.

Technology Teacher: It's because I love philosophy, and explaining it to my kids when they needed help with their exams. But history? I bribed my husband! I bribed my husband for him to ask them the questions, I told him "I'll make you potato tortilla tonight if you help the kids study for their history exam."

I made a page to put on all my philosophical thoughts. Tell me in the contact part at the bottom if I forgot anything or any retorts you have.

Note: I wrote this down yesterday's night.

I love you all so much.

I've been staring at my bedside window. I Iive in a fifth, so I would probably die from the impact.

Today there was a phrase that stuck with me.

That one. That stuck with me.

I mean, if you read the whole thing without knowing me, you would probably think I am a depressed loner, but I have quite some friends, and I make them laugh, kinda, and they manage to stand all my antics.

Thinking about it, I barely show to them all the sadness I harbor.

I fucking love you all.

I really do.

Come to think about it, that may be my biggest flaw.

Today we got our physics exam grades. I didn't approve, of course, but I wasn't worried because there's still at least three more exams, and it's continuous evaluation, so it's kinda fine.

But a girl two seats behind me, was super worried and crying. I haven't talked with her much, but she seems funny and I've taken a few laughs out of her, probably out of my stupidity. I went to her, sat in front of her, and tried to comfort her, saying anything I could. Her crying subsided, but I still felt I sounded not genuine, even though I really wanted to comfort her.

After the classes ended, I went with Dante, Cirus and Violet to Cirus' and Violet's house. Their father told them both (they both didn't pass) that they would "talk later". Cirus went to his room, and Violet went into the bathroom. I knew they both felt pretty bad, so I first went to Cirus and sat in his bed. He took out a little fake candle that simulated flickering.

Then, we both started at it for a long time. I finally broke the silence and said.

He only shrugged, and said.

Then, I went to Violet's bedroom, where Dante was laying. I asked him about Violet. He told me she wanted to be alone, and she locked herself in the bathroom. She had her phone, so we were texting her. I told her that if she needed me, she could count on me, and that I wanted her to be okay. It's not true that she can count on me, I'm probably the most unreliable person. Then, I went out of their house while Dante stayed, making the way to my home, alone.

My cousin is visiting in my house. I made my lunch, because I was home alone. My father called me while I was eating it. He wanted me to go to a place two hours from my home just to get her venezuelan cheese. I made up excuses to not go, even offering to pay for the gas of the ride he could take, because he was on the car, already outside. He told me.

I felt so mad. So damn mad. Because I do love my cousin, and yeah, if I had a bit more energy, and the actual drive to get out of my fucking house, I would have done it. But I didn't. I fucking didn't.

After I cleaned the kitchen, instead of doing what I wanted to do, I just slacked off and lost my time. Finally, night came. I made dinner, and cleaned the kitchen for the third time today. Then, I went to bed, and started to cry, silently, like I always cry. I stared at my bedside window.

And here I am, writing this. Because I wanted to say something. That even if I don't make you happy, even if I am a problem for you, which I am...

I love you.
I love you all.
With all my heart.

Seeing someone suffer is so horrible to me, and when I can't help, it makes me feel impotent. Sure, I can laugh at funny videos of people falling, but it's not the same. Actually knowing that a person needs my help and mot being able to give it? Goddamnit, it breaks me.

Both Wheatley and Onion had told me "if I wasn't venezuelan, I would be a communist." And I fucking agree completely. I once became friends with a beggar that asked for spare change in a supermarket I went regularly. I just gave him spare change, and when I bought cookies, you know, the prince ones? I gave him some. He was so damn happy and thankful. I already knew how happy things like that make people. It's so heartwarming.

If I could, I would make everyone happy. I love everyone, specially the people that manage to stand me.

I love you all.

The problem I have been seeing recently is that everyone seems to be getting better. Nagisa got a girl, Theresa got a boy, my mom has a friend here in Spain, a teen like me she kinda takes care of, my grandma is out in the US where my aunt treats her like a queen, my father has been loosing stress, and if it wasn't for the physics exam, Cirus and Violet would be better. I can keep listing.

Me? I've stayed right in the same place. And everyone worries about me. I don't wanna be a worry. I want them to be happy. To be free from me. To be free of their problem. It's like the universe is slowly replacing me.

I love them all. I love my friends, my family... I want nothing but the best for them...

Including her. Her. I love her.

• Catherine: What to say about Catherine? She's the perfect girl. I met her as an exchange student. She comes from ******. When we were together, as her and I met more and more through that week, I kept feeling things for her, but I pushed them down, because I knew she was going away. I even told Nagisa about them, and he agreed. But one day, in fateful September, I asked a mutual friend to give me her contact. Since then, we have been talking nonstop. And those feelings resurfaced.
  She hasn't changed a bit, apart from the obvious physical growth. She's still the kindest girl I have ever met. She always tries to be nice and kind to me, even when I don't think I deserve it. She values me, a lot, at least from my point of view. In fact, the only time that I've made her mad was when I kept saying sorry for talking during a call. She was genuinely interested about what I was saying. I think no one has been like that at themes so random, like my opinions or my music taste.
  She also has humor, which is incredibly weird for a woman (hmph, women). Just thinking about her makes me calm down.

She knows I love her. I told her once we were talking about love, and she told me she didn't have the same feelings as I did, but that she was open. I told her again some days ago, but she deflected the conversation.

I wanna tell her so many more times. Not because I'm like "oh I wanna be your boyfriend" or some shit. I genuinely feel like whatever happens, whatever she does, I will still like her, and want her by my side, as anything, friend, lover, whatever. I think that's the deepest kind of love, unconditional and eternal.

When I told her the second time, before deflecting the conversation with a joke, she told me that I didn't know her. Maybe I'm just blinded, but that's kind of the point of why I love her. Because I want to know her and be in her life.

I'm going to take a train to see her in Sunday, because she's in Spain on vacation but not in my city.

I wanna tell her I love her a million times, but I don't think she would like it. She's too modest for that.

I wanna tell her anyway. I want her to feel my absolute devotion to her, the full extent of how much I love her, because she's the only person that would at least listen.

I love her.

I love you all.

I want nothing but the best for all people in the world. I would do anything to do it, even if it means getting me out of the way. I will be happy knowing you all are happy. But because I always give comfort, I feel like I never receive.

Catherine gives me small amounts of comfort, the most she can from so far. Theresa manages to calm me down through her wisdom, when she can. Sometimes my friends try to give me some peace. My mom depending on the day helps me. Apart from that, nothing. I have no usual doctor, no constant source of comfort. And I think I need one to keep going, but I know I am probably never getting one, so, in the end, I end up not enough for anything.

I'm just a constant source of stress.

Do doctors have a doctor? Or do they have to patch the wounds themselves? Am I, a useless, motionless, meaningless, and inalterable human, enough to satisfy anyone? Or am I just meant to be a resting place without cure for itself, or worse, a problem that sometimes has sweet sides?

I didn't make this web to give you hope and smiles. It was a way for me to vent.

I love you all.

I love you all so much.

I'm only alive because of you.

I just hate everything. I just love everything. I can't decide. I'm kinda crashing down today. I don't know, a lot is like happening today, somehow. I'll publish the third fragment today, please read it and tell me if I'm bad at writing to stop. I updated the bingo card too.

Okay, I've made the second fragment of the neon purgatory (GO READ NOW AND USE THE FORM TO COMMUNICATE TO ME TO GIVE ADVICE). Also, i think I'm going, as a side project, start making the games on the arcade, just for fun. If you want to know about them, I will post some game devlogs when I got time. Also, if you want me to release them (if I ever finish one), pay me 7 euros, which is what costs to buy the license to export them, because i'm doing them in gamemaker.

There was a video that gave me back the joy to make games. I'm also writing the second fragment. I also have another exam tomorrow. I also wrote a song. I'm finally doing what my fucking tags says?!! That's incredible!! Anyway, I'll be busy today.

I've decided to make a short story series based on a dream I had like 9 years ago and that stuck with me since. I hope any of you like it, after all, it's my writing, even though it's probably not that good or interesting.

Answering people!

Nigga nigga, from Niggaland, says: "My bro is so nigga that even with sunscreen you can't see him in the dark, he's so nigga..."

You should honestly take schizophrenia pills. Honest to god. The worst part is, I actually know who you are, and you're not black or black descent. If I reveal who you are, brother, you are COOKED *skull emoji*.

Also, it's worth noting his email is "niggaswithoutborders@yahoo.com".

So I made it so you can contact me.

So, I just found out how to easily do multiple subpages inside the page, so the site is getting a big upgrade. That's when I can, because right now I'm out with my momma and a friend. Apart from that, not much going on right now.

OH GOD OH FUCK. okay so I almost deleted all entries, except these last two. Good thing is, by mistake, I dowloaded the version before I started working on the archive page, so they're safe. When I get home, I'll set it up.

KAY! All set up! I got the main page, the game devlog page,and the archive and the bingo card. You can find the links to it at the bottom of all those pages, and up at the main page.

I just feel so damn bad lately, but thankfully, good moments exist right now, like MIKU'S SKIN IN FORTNITE BABY LES GOOO THANKS DANTE I FUCKING LOVE YOU MAN!!!!

Anyway, first, I've been super busy with (insert excuse for my sloth here) and exams. Apart from the usual things, like more and more rage and sadness attacks, especially in public now, which kinda worries me, because, well, you know, I wanna be a normal human being that doesn't walk through life suddenly crashing down in an emotional attack in the middle of Walmart, so, I should go see a therapist for that. Right now, I have two main people I can vent with, two of my teachers from past years (of course, I'm a teacher's pet, how didn't you guess? I am literally a nerd.)

• Theresa (of course it's a fake name, all of them are): She was my math teacher last year and the year before that. She was going through the middle age crisis, and Nagisa and I through the young adult's crisis, so we started having these sessions we call "therapy", but we just speak together about stuff, and she gives us advice, and calms us down. These days, she has been going much better than before, getting a "boy" and all that, if you know what I mean, so I've been feeling bad putting my troubles in her shoulders. I suppose it's just my body reacting badly to someone having to stand me. She's a young woman on the body of a middle aged one, yet, she's still full of wisdom. We have a group chat together, Nagisa, her and I. It's called "The Intelectuals".
• Anthony: We met originally at a big test we have in our high school, to get Cambridge Certificates of English level. Of course, I aced that test, and after it, I just started speaking with him. Then, after that, he was my teacher 3 years ago of Ethical Values (a weird subject for anyone that doesn't want to be bombarded with the word of Jesus Christ), and was the guy that introduced me and made me fall in love with philosophy. I talked a lot with him these last two years, until this school year came, and we kinda drifted off, until recently. I decided to get back in contact with him 'cause I had one of the most deep crisis I have ever had, and decided it was time to get back and talk more with him, in general, about my philosophy, and my emotions. I really believe he is the person I feel more identified with, and, like my name sharing, Persia conquering brother would say about Diogenes, "If I wasn't Alexander, I would want to be Anthony."

Apart from them, I talk with others, like Edward, this year's language teacher, Hannah, this year's philosophy teacher, and Dorothy, this year's math teacher. But the two ones getting all the juicy details are these two.

I just feel so damn bad lately, but thankfully, good moments exist right now, like MIKU'S SKIN IN FORTNITE BABY LES GOOO THANKS DANTE I FUCKING LOVE YOU MAN!!!!

Anyway, first, I've been super busy with (insert excuse for my sloth here) and exams. Apart from the usual things, like more and more rage and sadness attacks, especially in public now, which kinda worries me, because, well, you know, I wanna be a normal human being that doesn't walk through life suddenly crashing down in an emotional attack in the middle of Walmart, so, I should go see a therapist for that. Right now, I have two main people I can vent with, two of my teachers from past years (of course, I'm a teacher's pet, how didn't you guess? I am literally a nerd.)

• Theresa (of course it's a fake name, all of them are): She was my math teacher last year and the year before that. She was going through the middle age crisis, and Nagisa and I through the young adult's crisis, so we started having these sessions we call "therapy", but we just speak together about stuff, and she gives us advice, and calms us down. These days, she has been going much better than before, getting a "boy" and all that, if you know what I mean, so I've been feeling bad putting my troubles in her shoulders. I suppose it's just my body reacting badly to someone having to stand me. She's a young woman on the body of a middle aged one, yet, she's still full of wisdom. We have a group chat together, Nagisa, her and I. It's called "The Intelectuals".
• Anthony: We met originally at a big test we have in our high school, to get Cambridge Certificates of English level. Of course, I aced that test, and after it, I just started speaking with him. Then, after that, he was my teacher 3 years ago of Ethical Values (a weird subject for anyone that doesn't want to be bombarded with the word of Jesus Christ), and was the guy that introduced me and made me fall in love with philosophy. I talked a lot with him these last two years, until this school year came, and we kinda drifted off, until recently. I decided to get back in contact with him 'cause I had one of the most deep crisis I have ever had, and decided it was time to get back and talk more with him, in general, about my philosophy, and my emotions. I really believe he is the person I feel more identified with, and, like my name sharing, Persia conquering brother would say about Diogenes, "If I wasn't Alexander, I would want to be Anthony."

Apart from them, I talk with others, like Edward, this year's language teacher, Hannah, this year's philosophy teacher, and Dorothy, this year's math teacher. But the two ones getting all the juicy details are these two.

Emotional breakdown incoming: I have nothing of value to give to the world and I have proved it with every breath I give. Of course, people notice, like Dante, who has been slowly getting tired of my constant state of "Life is shit, I'm going to suicide", even though that's something that should be serious. And, in fact, I think if I continue to tell everyone those things, they're going to get tired of me. And that's damn well okay. I want them to abandon me and let me alone so I can suicide without feeling bad about it.
Nagisa tried to ask me today what's happening with me. Truth is, I feel more alone than ever. Specially since he got a girlfriend. And It's probably deserved, I'm a shitty person, and I know it. I don't really know how I got my friends, maybe luck or just that I call them friends but they just stand me. I keep shunning and shunning them off, slowly drifting apart, not on purpose, but actively doing so anyway. Why do I shun them off? I really don't know, I just feel like their lives are perfect without me, and I'm giving them the space they deserve without me. I'm a mess, a stress maker, I only bring hardships and problems they have to stand. And that's horrible. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be.
Once I saw a video about "the desire to end oneself". Didn't watch it 'til the end, but it actually put the question in my head. Why do I feel such a desire to end my own life? Truth is, I don't know. You could say it's because I have suffered a lot in life, but no, I'm just whining about things anyone else can do easily. You could say I'm just blaming myself for everything, but at least I see the evidence. The most probable thing is that my conciousness itself is the one pushing weight on me. I've committed so many mistakes, and have done so little with the gifts I supposedly have, I feel like Da Vinci, I have sinned against humanity for doing so little...
I also saw a video by Tri-line, great channel, by the way, about the curse of intelligence. Is it my awareness of the state of the world what pushes me down? I don't think it is, yet maybe. I just know that my existence is pointless, and I am nothing but a waste of potential, just doomscrolling until I find the courage to end it all. I will never find an answer. I will never find love. I will never find the attention I seek. I will rot away in this bed, forever reminiscing about what could have been. Everyone will forget me, and move on, until my name isn't spoken ever again. And the worst part is, even though I fear it the most, I feel like I deserve it. I deserve the worst punishment of all for not being what I should have, being alone, forever, and being concious of it.
I told Nagisa I felt like in 8th grade. And it's true. I feel alone, wasting my time, making my grades plummet and just destroying everything I have worked for, being closer to suicide than ever. Those are the signals I see.

Fuck, I lied. Anyway, favorite dialogue of the day.

Me: "So, wait, people with ADHD can't drive in Spain?"

Wheatley: "Fornite Crash Reporter?"

Ugggh!!!! OKAY!! I'm sorry for not writing for a long time. But really, I have been really, and absolutely busy. My life goes against me at every damn turn, in fact. I've continued to develop my philosophy, and continued to have a lot of damn crisises. I'll continue damn writing after going to shower, I PROMISE.

Sorry for not writing. I'm just stupid. Anyway, fuck zodiac signs, ANALYZING MY FRIENDS PERSONALITIES BASED ON WHO THEIR FAVORITE CHARACTERS IN ONGEZELLIG ARE:

• Team Mymy: Nagisa and Dante told me their favorite was Mymy. The racist bigot and dutch nationalist. Ironic, since Mymy would probably think they're spies trying to invade the Netherlands for the Spanish Crown. Nagisa said he just found her funny, which makes sense, since he literally stands me because I'm funny. Meanwhile, Dante said that she has a vibe of "not giving a shit". Which also fits in his personality, because he really doesn't care about anything.
• Team Coco: GlaDos is team Coco. Ok, being honest, I don't like Coco's character a lot, too overly optimistic for how fucking sad her damn life is. Maybe I'm just as envious as my wif- I mean... Anyway, it really checks into GlaDOS' personality, as she's basically a happy bite of bread, but still interesting and complex.
• Team Maya: MAYA OH MY GOD I WANNA MARRY HER AND KISS HER AND FIX HER AND- Ok, now seriously. I identify so hard with her, but I feel like I'm not as down bad as her because she's unaware of how she lives in a parallel reality. In any case, she's my favorite character of the three. (Chat, is it wrong I have a crush on a fictional character???)

THE WORLD IS ENDING.

Okay, I'm going to study history today, but when I am about to sleep I'm probably going to philosophate a lot soooo i guess just wait like 5 hours.

Kay, so, sorry for not writing yesterday. I'm just super tired after finishing the damn physics assignments. Also, after all the damn things about Bubuchuela. Anyway, I've been feeling really depressed laely, so maybe I can use today's entry to maybe... I dunno, divagate like a philosopher? Or at least, like a Teenager cosplaying as an ancient greek philosopher in the middle of the Athens' Academy, while listening to Tally Hall, in a bed like a damn blorb. *sigh* Let my thoughts run free...

So, in first, the universe is perfect in its existence. Which is an absolute pain in the ass for us humans, that, because of being imperfect, are incapable of resembling the universe outside of us and its perfection, and messes with our brain in such a way that makes us get mad about it. Why can't we be perfect? Why can't we, humans, the ultimate species, the apex predator, the ruler of everything, find in ourselves the perfection that we can find in the nature?! That fact annoys us, so, it makes us suffer, in the end. It makes us angry. It makes us struggle against the universe itself, trying to give us the perfection that we don't, and can't have, making us give the world itself a middle finger, a rejection to exist as we are.

Juno was mad, he knew he'd been had, so he shot at the sun with a gun...
Shot at the sun with a gun...
Shot at his wily one, only friend...

This universe, this world that we fight, in itself, is perfect. It's ruled by an order, ouside of us. An order that evolves as much as we evolve, but much more primal. It doesn't have a conscience, or awareness that controls it. It just tries, over and over, until it finds its natural way of perfection, with no limit, or desire, or consistency. The universe just... is. And individually, it's not perfect either. But the sum of it is perfect. After all, the Golden Spiral is not perfect on it's own, but the fact that you can find it in shells, the seeds of a sunflower, or a Sonic picture, is what makes it important. Because meaning to the outside is given by the outside.

In the shadows...
or the ghetto...
In the town or the meadow...
In the billows, even over the sun.

And this order is governed by only one thing. Time. Time itself. You see, time is in constant movement. Why? Because the universe is in constant change, and any change, as miniscule and insignificant it may be, it makes time run by, and as time runs, the universe organizes itself. And this organization is what gives the universe its appeared perfection. And when finally, the universe reaches it, it will finally enjoy peace, the peace of stillness.

Every end of a time is another begun.

But in this stillness, it finds nothing. Only perfection. And what meaning is in this perfection? What meaning does perfection have if it's stability and sameness? In the end, as everything remains still, at the same time, nothing is unique, nothing is diferentiable, and, in general, everything is nothing. Yes, everything is nothing. After all, how can you differentiate two things from one another if they are unchanged, and equal in every way? So, this perfection, in the end, is nothingness. My friend Nagisa personifies this nothingness by making it Godlike. And this God, perfect and unexistent, suicides, because it finds perfection... empty. And this suicide, this destruction of perfection... Is what creates something, imperfection.

You understand? Mechanical hands are the ruler of Everything.
Ruler of Everything
In the end...

As I mentioned earlier, the human rebels against this seeming perfection we find in the universe. Why can't I be God? Why can't I be perfect? In its desperation, the human claims itself to be perfect. But, of course, as all perfection we perceive in our universe, perfection has a reason. So now, the foolish humans have to answer this conondrum. Why are we perfect? And in this search, the humans find reasons that never quite fit.

Do you like how I dance? I got zirconium pants!
Consequential enough to slip you into a trance...
Do you like how I walk? Do you like how I talk?
Do you like how my face desintegrates into chalk?
I have a wonderful wife! I have a powerful job! She criticizes me for being egocentric...(Ha ha ha!)

In his search for the answer for that question, the human finds nothing satisfactory, only suffering, and despair, that only make its desperation grow and grow, getting bigger at every setback. It always seems to fit, but, at the last chance, it slips out of its hands and flies away into absurdity. And it always goes like that. Because trying to find perfection in the universe in mere parts of it is pointless. Perfection can only be found in the universe as a whole, but a human doesn't have time for that. The human is stopped by this order, this tyranical rule that binds our very existence to it, making us imperfect and weak against it. And we slowly realize that.

You practice your mannerisms into the wall
If this mirror were clearer, I'd be standing so tall!
I saw you sober over clovers on the side of the hill
I was observing the birds!
(Circle in for the kill...)

As we grow older, and realize the absolute imperfection we live in, and our own failures, the universe itself takes a stand against us, making us suffer out of our own stupidity. Of course we're going to suffer! We're never going to find perfection in our lives without changing them and rejecting the inherent imperfection that resides in our humanity! Yet, we still ask why do we suffer. Some solve it with a "it's all relative, and you should be grateful of your position, letting the universe go in its ways." But this approach is also absurd in its conception, because, by not taking part in this world, you become nothing, and reach a meaningless sense of perfection and peace, which isn't even real. Because, as we said, perfection is nothing, and by not reacting, you're being nothing, and therefore, perfect. You won. But you also lost yourself.

I've been you, I've known you, your facade is a scam.
You know you're making me cry? This is the way that I am!

When the human realizes the futility of the quest it has brought upon itself, aka, trying to define itself as perfect, it suffers. But in this suffering, it finally finds meaning to itself. Because, as it perceives what brings that perfection that it so desperately searches for, it finds its place in the natural order of the world, its place where it is finally happy, and helping the rest of the humans around it to find their own purpose. In this new peace, after all the suffering, the human finds happiness. And this happiness, this peace, this imperfection which has fknally been filled, is the goal of the human being, finally reaching it.

The song is great by the way, Ruler of Everything by Tally Hall.

OK. TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY. And I'm so happy, because I got to eat lasagna and I also got a 2TB disk. These seems to be the only good day of life. In the end, I'll start the physics assignment

Sorry for not doing an entry yesterday, I'm stupid and I forgot. Anyway, first of all, I added coyote time on my game. Second, tomorrow's my birthday. Third, there's a physics assignment due tomorrow, so I think I'm not getting sleep today. Fourth. I got a new desk!!!!

I wanna kill myself.

Alex's rant about Venezuelan Politics

Ok, so I didn't finish my rant yesterday because I was busy eating damn good burgers with my besto friendos, so, what's promised is debt, I'm finishing this today. You see, I come from Venecozuela. And inmediately, that means I have a curse on my shoulders, like gypsy people, or other inmigrant populations. We're haunted by a damn dictatorship, that just makes every legal process until we're nationalized an absolute hell. On the other hand, we've got a mostly useless opposition, that does nothing but be corrupt, negotiate with the AFOREMENTIONED dictatorship, and give fake hopes. And I say mostly because, and I'm being totally honest right now (like always), I have hope for the future, and for Maria Corina, and Edmundo, yet, I don't get fed up in some of their blunders, or maybe, lies. This takes me to the point of today's entry, which is, how can people that are basically the same politically can control for so many years one single country and play so horribly with the hopes of the people?!

First Criminals: AD (Acción Democrática/Democratic Action)

They're probably the stand-out opposition, the long lived monster that has existed for centuries and has never been slain, because it always manages to find itself in the "right" side of conflict, as a sneakily rat that goes to the first person that gives a bit of cheese. I'll be looking on the wikipedia page while I rant so I don't get my facts wrong. I fucking hate these guys, because they're a bunch of phonies. I have a book, that's from an socialist ex-guerrilla fighter and politician called Héctor Perez Marcano, who met directly one of the founders of AD, Rómulo Betancourt. It's a first hand source, to say, specially thinking, he's not ideologically inclined to twist his words. One of the extracts the book is this (translated):

"When we arrived at the breakfast, Betancourt opens the meeting addressing Moisés (Moisés Moleiro, the politician), and says to him: "Moisés, I read your article in Barricade. You're wrong. AD can't be a transitory party. AD won't be a transitory party". And showcasing his sagacity, adds: "You think about the party as when trolleys existed here, and had to go to Iron Bridge(Puente de Hierro, a Caracas neighborhood) to transfer there and go to the Paradise.(El Paraíso, a Caracas neighborhood)I am a socialist." -he said that himself, and those words got engraved in my mind-(and in mine too, Héctor)"and I aim for my grandchildren to live in socialism. What happens is that you, rebellious and hotheaded youngsters, as it's natural, and like I have been, want to carry the red rose(the symbol of social-democracy)on the lapel, and don't realize that we are in the western world and under the domain of the empire.(The US)You have to be anti-imperialist, but with skill. You, however, like to proclaim the aint-imperialism, and carry the red rose in the leap. That's why you're wrong, Moisés. This party will get to the Paradise. There's no need for another party for the transfer."

Yeah. This sounds like rethoric that could easily be said by the Chavist government. And this is said by its founder. Not only that, the attitude of the AD party in the government is basically a "proto-welfare state", slowly regulating the market and growing the state in size. With what money did they pay this groth? Oil, of course. When the oil prices crashed, we had the Caracazo, and the Black Friday, which we'll talk more about later. And after more than 24 years of government in the Venezuelan Republic, there comes Chavez, and they get relegated to... the main opposition party, full of old guard morons. Socialists against worse socialists. I swear, Venezuela is just crazy.

Second Criminals: COPEI (Comité de Organización Política Electoral Independiente/Committee for Independent Electoral Political Organization.)

So, these guys, I could say the same that I said about AD, but, these are supposed to be the conservatives on Venezuela. In reality, these are just christian democrats. I really suggest the video Fonseca made if you want a real explanation that I don't want to give. In general, they acted the same in the goverment as AD. In fact, they nationalized the oil industry, and continued the spending spree the state had, causing the Black Friday, and starting an economic recession that basically no one solved. No, not even Carlos Andrés Perez, in fact, some of his measures in his first term were causes of the Black Friday. Also, the political roots of Chavez

Third Criminals: PSUV/MRV (Chavez and his socialists)

Murderers, profiteers, criminals, dictators, drugdealers, motherfuckers. Hate them with all my life, and would erradicate them from the phase of the earth if I could. I won't let them anger me right now.

Fourth Criminals: MUD (Mesa de Unidad Democrática/Table of Democratic Unity)

This is the new opposition, the one that I feel most betrayed by. These were the ones directing the opposition until Maria Corina. They have negotiated with the dictatorship, and even had some small connections to the dictatorship. Most people are apologetic with them, but after the 2019 fiasco, I don't believe in them, and actually, I was pretty dissapointed when they joined with Maria Corina. but it's what I expected. You always need an old guard to cover your back, sadly, it's one of the machiavellian rules of politics.

So, today I'm going to rant. Yep, pure, unbridled rant. You see, I come from Venecozuela. And inmediately, that means I have a curse on my shoulders, like gypsy people, or other inmigrant populations. We're haunted by a damn dictatorship, that just makes every legal process until we're nationalized an absolute hell. On the other hand, we've got a mostly useless opposition, that does nothing but be corrupt, negotiate with the AFOREMENTIONED dictatorship, and give fake hopes. And I say mostly because, and I'm being totally honest right now (like always), I have hope for the future, and for Maria Corina, and Edmundo, yet, I don't get fed up in some of their bunders, or maybe, lies. This takes me to the point of today's entry, which I'll finish after I shower, cause I'm going to hang out with my friends in 40 minutes

Ok, so my friend Wheatley went out of his way and read everything while getting his nationality because of being a damn veneco like me. And he urged, BEGGED me to update the frieds descriptions list, because of damn course, he thinks that there's only one way of looking at the world, which I suppose, is his. Anyway, let me update the whole list.

• Nagisa: So, so, this goofball. He's my arch-rival, or something like that. It's like the relationship between Ironman and Cap America. We hate each other, and fight to death, but also, we sloppy kiss when nobody's looking. That's an obvious joke, GLaDOS. Anyway, he's like super smart, and super fun to be with, and super cool, and ACTUALLY GETS BITCHES, something I can't seem to pull off. He's like, the person I was destined to be. Better. Happier. Arrogant. And goddamnit, he deserves to be arrogant. Also, he mains Miss Fortune on LOL.
• Violet: THIS HORNY PIECE OF SHIT. She's like, super duper chill, and actually can stand me for an hour without kicking me out the room. But holy shit, is she dirty minded. In SEVERAL OCCASIONS, she has known more about horny things than my depraved ass. I mean, she even saw the two girls one cup video before me! It's normally me who knows first everything about horny things! She even got on one of the pornpages I suggested, which is wild. Anyway, she's the most empathic person ever, apart from someone else I won't mention here. She's great. May her and the next one have many kids.
• Dante: This guy, he's one of the goats. Greatest, and only guitarist I know. If I ever drop music, it will be with him. He's basically married with Violet, and I don't think it's ending soon. Oh, and if Violet was chill, this guy is stoic in comparison. I even think that his chillness is kinda against me, because he's so chill that his resistance to my shenanigans is minimal. I always overwhelm him, and it hurts so bad to do so, but I do anyways, unconciously. He's so wise, yet if I was just more realxed, I would get more of him. But I'm a bitch that doesn't know how to respect social spaces.
• Cirus: UPDATED Violet's brother. He seems chill at first, and he kinda is. But he's wild, really. He has this goblin laugh that always gets me laughing, holy shit. And I know he does it on damn purpose. He's so damn funny man, but also, a great advice-giver. In the shittiest of situations, he always stays calm, maybe even indifferent. It's an ability that I just can't seem to master. He also seems to have kind of everything under control, maybe a dominatrix kink? I dunno. Today, playing League, he mained Yorick, and beat my Caitlyn like hell. Damn minions he invoked. He's also my personal IT guy.
• GLaDOS: She's suddenly become more important recently. I mean, she was the one with Nagisa to watch Ongezellig, like I tell everyone. WATCH ONGEZELLIG. And also, I've been talking with her much more recently. She's a real philosopher, a real damn intellectual. I really like her, in a friends way, you know? I tell you, she's a real one. SUper chill, and super, super damn funny, and really nice person in general. Though I thought she was a lesbian. Until she got with a guy. Huh.
• Jessie: This gal is a damn real one. She's really funny, and cool, and small. A cutie patootie, in every sense of the word, phisically, but one of the most based persons ever in personality. Has this tomboyish aura that seemed kinda weird initially to me, cause all the women around me were very women and too women, but in the end, I just feel she won the place in my image of the group. She was also my crush for a time, but friendzoned me. No hard feelings, though, that's what I tell myself to sleep properly.
• Obi-wan: If we were in a terrorist attack, this guy either would be leading the terrorists, would try to steal the most from everyone while we're not looking, or would try to make fun of this situation. Really, it's hard to be serious with this guy, but when he's locked in, he's locked in. He's the best. Though, he did end in the dumb part of the education system. Or at least that's what I tell myself, knowing that he'll probably get a job while I'll get replaced by AI.
• Jayce: UPDATED Addicted to every bad thing imaginable. Probably the closest to my complete opposite. Everyone has a much better relationship than me with him, and I don't blame them, he's a nice guy. I just feel he's sometimes too much for me. Wheatley pointed me out that he is a nice guy. The problem for me is that, he's just a lot different than me. He's not mautre enough, Wheatley told me, but neither have I. I think the real difference is that Jayce has too much victim mentality, while, at least I think, I have real things to worry about. Or well, what I think are real problems, because maybe some other people could see me and think "What a crybaby."
• Olivia: Chillest gal ever, with a dark side she doesn't want to reveal for some reason. Only girl in the whole group apart from Jessie that knew god himself Kendrick Lamar before I became obsessed with him. Honestly based for that.
• Enrique: Damn, this guy is another goofball. He was the one to hook me to Balatro, so, I can blame part of my gambling addiction to him. Also, introduced me to MF DOOM, which was a great listen by the way, and also, he wants to be a Game Dev like me, so that's based. It's just not worth saying over and over again how we did a thousand different 9/11 jokes. He's just that guy you can joke about anything with and he'll laugh.
• Paimon: Why I called her Paimon? Not because he plays Genshin or something, but because she's the only person of the whole group that has been actively flirted on by 30 year olds as a highschooler or younger. Which is actually impressive. Anyway, she's the closest to a prude there is in the group. It's so fun to tease her, and like Dante, I probably overwhelm her too. But she's really cool, and more complex than I initially thought. One time I held her hand in a crowd, and it felt right for some reason. Of course, it wasn't anthing real, but my affection-starved soul felt jealous when she then proceeded to take Jayce's hand.
• Rose: FILTHY DAMN LESBIAN COMMUNIST. Nah we're actually cool. In fact, she gave me the pass. YEAH. THE N-WORD PASS. Fuckig love her for that. Anyway, she's super depraved, like Violet and I, but actually does something about it. Damn wattpad. I never got into it, but for so many people to love that, I guess it's good. Rose is super cool for that. Real intellectual, and if I was more relaxed, I would probably have a much better relationship with her.
• Torrente: Goddamnit everything's the fault of this guy xD.
• Onion: HAHAHA Holy shit this guy. He's one bitch of an intellectual. A sheep in wolf's clothing intellectually. How can't he see my points are correct? Apart from that, he's another goofball. He's a great guy, super funny, and comical, and really smart. Really smart. With GLaDOS, Nagisa, my last year math teacher and my grandpa, probably the most intelligent person I know. Love him a lot.
• Wheatley: UPDATED The opposite of GLaDOS. Veneco, like me, funny, conservative, and really, really red-pilled (although, he denied it). Ok, he's just a great person to debate to. The problem is, because I am gifted, (a nice word for autistic), I see many connections that no one but Nagisa sees. He has all these backwards ideas that make him seem a conservative, and that I can't seem to get him to see the errors in. But I know that if he was a bit more idealistic, or saw the things a bit more like I did, he would be basically completely like me in many idea, including being a libertarian like me. My theory is that something, somehow, broke him so hard that, unlike me, who rejected everything from before, he's still clinging to that worldview of the past. I prefer that theory instead of thinking that he has his own views. KIDS, THAT'S CALLED COPIUM!!!
  So, Wheatley rewrote his description of course, I checked it because he writes like shit. Here: Almost the opposite of GLaDOS. Veneco, like me, funny, kinda conservative, and really, really arrogant. But why lie? He has reasons to be, the bastard gets all the bitches that he wants. He is disgustingly good at any game that he plays both physically and virtually, and he knows about almost any topic, so winning an argument with him is hard as hell. Tough as his head, he is very stubborn, and sometimes and has a hard time understanding how other people work, so that causes him specific problems with the rest of the group. What I will never know is if it really affects his heart... in the case that he actually has one.

Ok, I have nothing to say today, apart of the fact that I'm starting the development of the multiplayer platformer. Also, I feel so damn bad, because I basically put all the groups of my friends. That's called a motion of censorship. But it makes me feel so damn lonely. I really want to write to my friends but i'm angy. I feel so alone...

I haven't written anything. Instead, I decided to start devicing a game. If I get a creative commons license, I'll put it here.

Update: Nah I don't wanna get it. Although nobody actually reads it anyway apart frrom Nagisa. I'll work on something to show my idea and I'll put it here.

Sooooo, yesterday was kind of a breakdown. But I actually feel kinda better today! In fact, I was doubting if I should write today, 'cause today is that lazy day of the year. Maybe I'll write something later in the day. Right now, I think I'll start writing a song, or continue with one of my writing WIPs.

Last day of the year. Huh. Hoped it would last longer. Any fucking way, this year has been... a rollercoaster. I feel that I am living in the world of other people, like I'm evading every part of my being And that's oviously by design, because, oh surprise, my life's shit. But it's so absurd how everyone tells me what to do to get mmy damn shit together, yet I don't do it because I know it will fail. It'll all fail. I'm just a waste of time in general. I waste oxygen, I waste air, I waste memory of all these websites I post things to. And everyone around me is so damn happy, and I feel happy for them, but I just feel this horrible sense of jealousy.

Yesterday, I cried a lot. Or well, I say I cried, yet actually, no tears came down, because I just feel like I'm crying. And tears do form, but they seem to be too fearful of the real world to just come out. And it's damn true. My self-esteem is a paper boat in a hurricane, while my motivation is the damn captain. Anything mildly annoying destroys everything I do and want to do. And I have so many things that I want to do, but can't. I want to live. I want to get out of my house, breathe in the fresh air, spend time with my friends and family, laugh and have fun with all of them, feeling like it all is really worth the time,, like it will give me something more. But it never does. It just feels dull, and annoying,, and stupid to do. I want to live,, but why? Why bother?

And so, instead of living the life I want, I spend my life waiting. Expecting for people to enter and do something for me. I spend my days locked in my bedroom playing some stupid games, while everyone else seems to be so happy and realized. And it bothers me. Why aren't they suffering like me?! Why am I the only stupid teen that is in such predicament?! And the worst part is, I know the answer..

The answer is, it's all meaningless for me. I'm just useless, they aren't. They actually do something about their lives and make them worth living for. Worth fighting for. What do I even have? Problems, that's what. Problems I call people, and hobbies, and chores. But it's true, they're problems, that I need to solve. Even God abandoned me, many, many years ago. I have a mouth, and I want to scream, yet I don't. Why? I tell myself I don't know, but I'm probably blocking the answer to not put a bullet through my head.

In every way possible, everything is going better. Yet, I don't find happiness in that.

I hope you have a nice New Years Eve. Have a nice damn day.

Musical Recommendation of the Day.

So, before I do the next entry, the real entry of today, what's promised is debt. I'll describe the rest f m friends. *sigh* To all this people, I'm sorry I'm not going to hold back.

• Jessie: This gal is a damn real one. She's really funny, and cool, and small. A cutie patootie, in every sense of the word, phisically, but one of the most based persons ever in personality. Has this tomboyish aura that seemed kinda weird initially to me, cause all the women around me were very women and too women, but in the end, I just feel she won the place in my image of the group. She was also my crush for a time, but friendzoned me. No hard feelings, though, that's what I tell myself to sleep properly.
• Obi-wan: If we were in a terrorist attack, this guy either would be leading the terrorists, would try to steal the most from everyone while we're not looking, or would try to make fun of this situation. Really, it's hard to be serious with this guy, but when he's locked in, he's locked in. He's the best. Though, he did end in the dumb part of the education system. Or at least that's what I tell myself, knowing that he'll probably get a job while I'll get replaced by AI.
• Jayce: Addicted to every bad thing imaginable. Probably the closest to my complete opposite. Everyone has a much better relationship than me with him, and I don't blame them, he's a nice guy. I just feel he's sometimes too much for me.
• Olivia: Chillest gal ever, with a dark side she doesn't want to reveal for some reason. Only girl in the whole group apart from Jessie that knew god himself Kendrick Lamar before I became obsessed with him. Honestly based for that.
• Enrique: Damn, this guy is another goofball. He was the one to hook me to Balatro, so, I can blame part of my gambling addiction to him. Also, introduced me to MF DOOM, which was a great listen by the way, and also, he wants to be a Game Dev like me, so that's based. It's just not worth saying over and over again how we did a thousand different 9/11 jokes. He's just that guy you can joke about anything with and he'll laugh.
• Paimon: Why I called her Paimon? Not because he plays Genshin or something, but because she's the only person of the whole group that has been actively flirted on by 30 year olds as a highschooler or younger. Which is actually impressive. Anyway, she's the closest to a prude there is in the group. It's so fun to tease her, and like Dante, I probably overwhelm her too. But she's really cool, and more complex than I initially thought. One time I held her hand in a crowd, and it felt right for some reason. Of course, it wasn't anthing real, but my affection-starved soul felt jealous when she then proceeded to take Jayce's hand.
• Rose: FILTHY DAMN LESBIAN COMMUNIST. Nah we're actually cool. In fact, she gave me the pass. YEAH. THE N-WORD PASS. Fuckig love her for that. Anyway, she's super depraved, like Violet and I, but actually does something about it. Damn wattpad. I never got into it, but for so many people to love that, I guess it's good. Rose is super cool for that. Real intellectual, and if I was more relaxed, I would probably have a much better relationship with her.
• Torrente: Goddamnit everything's the fault of this guy xD.
• Onion: HAHAHA Holy shit this guy. He's one bitch of an intellectual. A sheep in wolf's clothing intellectually. How can't he see my points are correct? Apart from that, he's another goofball. He's a great guy, super funny, and comical, and really smart. Really smart. With GLaDOS, Nagisa, my last year math teacher and my grandpa, probably the most intelligent person I know. Love him a lot.
• Wheatley: The opposite of GLaDOS. Veneco, like me, funny, conservative, and really, really red-pilled. I thank god he doesn't know who Andrew Tate is, because if he did know, it would be OVER. He's also a great League player.

If I didn't mention you,, it's not that you aren't important to me, just that, we haven't interacted enough for me to develop an opinion about you. Sorry. Have a nice day.

Ok, I played a lot of League of Legends with my friends. Caitlyn is damn hard to master ;.;
My higher level friends just killed me. BUT I GOT MORE KILLS THAN YOU JAYCE

Oh, yeah, talking about my friends. Or well, the group of friends from my highschool, because thankfully I retained my school friends. They are a bunch of silly billies, that's why they mildly accepted my ass into it, apart from obvious pity after seeing me going from group to group like a bee in a garden. Also they say I'm funny. Obviously a lie. Anyway, let's talk about them! WITH AN OBVIOUS CODENAME.

• Nagisa: So, so, this goofball. He's my arch-rival, or something like that. It's like the relationship between Ironman and Cap America. We hate each other, and fight to death, but also, we sloppy kiss when nobody's looking. That's an obvious joke, GLaDOS. Anyway, he's like super smart, and super fun to be with, and super cool, and ACTUALLY GETS BITCHES, something I can't seem to pull off. He's like, the person I was destined to be. Better. Happier. Arrogant. And goddamnit, he deserves to be arrogant. Also, he mains Miss Fortune on LOL.
• Violet: THIS HORNY PIECE OF SHIT. She's like, super duper chill, and actually can stand me for an hour without kicking me out the room. But holy shit, is she dirty minded. In SEVERAL OCCASIONS, she has known more about horny things than my depraved ass. I mean, she even saw the two girls one cup video before me! It's normally me who knows first everything about horny things! She even got on one of the pornpages I suggested, which is wild. Anyway, she's the most empathic person ever, apart from someone else I won't mention here. She's great. May her and the next one have many kids.
• Dante: This guy, he's one of the goats. Greatest, and only guitarist I know. If I ever drop music, it will be with him. He's basically married with Violet, and I don't think it's ending soon. Oh, and if Violet was chill, this guy is stoic in comparison. I even think that his chillness is kinda against me, because he's so chill that his resistance to my shenanigans is minimal. I always overwhelm him, and it hurts so bad to do so, but I do anyways, unconciously. He's so wise, yet if I was just more realxed, I would get more of him. But I'm a bitch that doesn't know how to respect social spaces.
• Cirus: Violet's brother. He seems chill at first, and he kinda is. But he's wild, really. He has this goblin laugh that always gets me laughing, holy shit. And I know he does it on damn purpose. He's so damn funny man, but also, a great advice-giver. In the shittiest of situations, he always stays calm, maybe even indifferent. It's an ability that I just can't seem to master. He also seems to have kind of everything under control, maybe a dominatrix kink? I dunno. Today, playing League, he mained Yorick, and beat my Caitlyn like hell. Damn minions he invoked.
• GLaDOS: She's suddenly become more important recently. I mean, she was the one with Nagisa to watch Ongezellig, like I tell everyone. WATCH ONGEZELLIG. And also, I've been talking with her much more recently. She's a real philosopher, a real damn intellectual. I really like her, in a friends way, you know? I tell you, she's a real one. Super chill, and super, super damn funny, and really nice person in general. Though I thought she was a lesbian. Until she got with a guy. Huh.

I'm tired. Tomorrow, I can tell you about the rest. I'm just tired. IT'S A LIE I AM ACTUALLY DEPRESSED LISTENING TO this

Oh my damn god I played League of Legends. And I liked it. What have I become??????!!

I main Caitlyn. I fucking love her if it didn't come off from yesterday's entry. And no, I'm not a lesbian. But what's better than one bar of chocolate? Two bars of chocolate. Exactly the same applies with me and reading Caitvi +18 fanfics.

That reminds me, I fucking love videogames. Videogames are probably my favorite thing in this world apart from freedom, they have been with me since I was like, what, four?? It all started when my mom and I were separated by a whole pacific ocean and me papa made me a facebook and skype account. I started playing those cheap free facebook games, there I met angry birds and the whole mobile scene. We're talking early 2011 here.

It was then when I learnt what Mario was. Well, I already had a Bee Mario plushie before, but it was around that time also when I got my hands in a pirated PS2. Any Latin American knows that a cracked PS2 is the holy grail of gaming. I'm not kidding, it's so damn cool, I could play nintendo games on it. THat was my first knowledge of Mario, in fact, I played Mario World in my pirated PS2. I also got a Wii around that time, also pirated. But my true love was when I decided to search "mario bross" in the google search bar and the thousands of Flash games popped out to my screen. I loved that era, where sites like friv or minijuegos stole from Newgrounds and I got to play hundreds of Flash Games. In fact, the first game I remember playing, apart from all those I mentioned, is an early build of Mario Bros Crossover. I only knew Mario in that game, but man did I fucking enjoy it.

But, that wasn't my golden age on videogames. No, that came later, when for Christmas of 2014 I got a pirated Xbox 360. holy shit, I played so many games in that console. Far Cry 3, my favorite shooter of all time, Assasins Creed: Black Flag, the only good Assasins Creed, and things like the Crash that's about the masks, and Call of Duty Ghosts. MAN DID I ENJOY IT. OH and I almost forgot, I played Ducktales, the remastered one, and a Naruto Shippudden game, don't remember which one. It was like crack cocaine for me. I normally was left alone with my aunt, and she would fall asleep next room, and I would just play at low volume, I loved it.

Apart from that, I normally played in the computer, in a lot of emulators. Around 9, I got my portable harddrive, which died last year. Damn, I had I think like 72 gigabytes on ROMS for old games ONLY. Apart from all the other games I downloaded, goddamnit, what a good time. I never distributed anything of it, it was just for me. It was then when I played things like Super Punch Out or the whole of the MegaMan saga I could get my hands on. You would think I'm a seasoned gamer then, after all I have said, but no, I'm trash at any game I play and I don't really know why.

In recent years, I've lost my playing habit, but I still play. I normally play strategy games like the paradox ones, or playing things in my switch. I fucking love Breath of the Wild and Tears of the Kingdom. Make a damn BOTW multiplayer PVP, you'll see how I win. BUT NO, all the damn multiplayers I can play with my friends are shooters and League, it makes me so angry. You know what? Maybe I'll make a good multiplayer platformer to play with my friends. See how they fair with it.

I think I ranted enough. Today my friends want to play a League Tournament, I'll tell you how it went tomorrow. Have a nice day.

Musical recomendation of the day.

Is someone there? Is someone listening?
Hi I guess, my name is Alex, and this is my first entry on this. Hope I don't abandon this like many other projects.

There, I guess I can call this actually finished. Or somewhat like it.

That's more like it.

So, anyway, hi! I'm Alex, and I'm making this to... for what? I dunno, really. I'm just doing this because I lack a space to vent, publicly, and write. Consider this a personal blog, if you may. I really just want to keep this as kind of a journal or something? For the new years, cause I just write a lot.

Now, you, my dear viewer, may be asking, "kay, bitch, but who are you?" and to that, I answer that i'm getting to it. I'm Alex, a music fan, beginner, amateur, and super nonserious writer, depressed teenager, and political enthusiast (a dumb way of calling someone that watches jreg more than any human should in a lifetime). I'm a libertarian, a dumb way of saying I hate the government and love freedom, and I also love philosophy, particularly, the works of people like Aristotle and Ayn Rand.

Yeah, so I'm pathetic, and probably won't last a day doing this. Tomorrow, I'm going to try and implement multiple pages, or search if I can even do that, it's called subpages I think? Today, my friend Nagisa is going to try and convince me to play League of Legends, so if I don't write tomorrow, I'm to busy j***in off to Caitlyn. Have a nice day.